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What On Earth?: An alien's guide to fixing Britain

Count Binface

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Politics & government

The much-needed manifesto by the Sanest Politician in the Entire Cosmos, from capping the price of croissants at 1 to taking over Downing Street.

Greetings, life-form!

My name is Count Binface. I am an intergalactic space warrior, leader of the Recyclons and three-time British election veteran. I'm 5695 Sigmoid years old, which is a good age for a Recyclon because we age like a fine wine, not like an Apple product. My hobbies include invading planets, dominating inferior species and an insatiable desire to binge-watch the Lovejoy box set. And as part of my overarching mission to control the entire omniverse, I have come to conquer Britain.

It's not that I want to do this - you need me to, if your future is to be saved. Because the one thing everyone can agree on right now, is that Earth is in an absolute state. And of all its messed-up nations, the British are particularly deranged. Fortunately, they let absolutely anyone stand for election. This has opened the door for someone fresh to waltz through and seize control, brandishing the most powerful weapons in the cosmos. That someone is me. And those weapons are democracy, lasers and Ceefax, and the greatest manifesto ever devised.

In this book, I share my story for the first time, my political beliefs and even the occasional recipe, in return for a reasonable - nay, bargain - amount of Earth currency.

I also provide an alien's-visor-view of your past, so that you can learn from past mistakes. I appreciate that this isn't the first potted history of Britain ever to be committed to print, but I can guarantee that compared to any others, mine will be the most accurate. If anyone cares to argue about that, which one of us has had access to a time machine?

So settle down, grab a beverage, and let's make your planet Count.

'Count Binface in his steely, glimmering, elusiveness is both a galactically intimidating - and curiously heartening symbol of the future of British politics - #believeinthebin' Rory Stewart

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