Grumpy Old Drivers: The Official Handbook

How modern motoring drives Grumpies to distraction

We've said that Christmas is the worst thing; we've said that working for idiots is the worst thing; we've said that holidays are the worst thing. But driving is the worst thing of all. It brings together so many of the multitude of individual elements which combine to make Grumpy Old Men and Grumpy Old Women grumpy.

It's got queuing - at petrol stations, on side roads, on A roads, on motorways, at car parks and even at the 'drive through'. Very few things make Grumpies more grumpy than queuing.

It's got being ripped off - when you buy a car, when you have it serviced, when you buy anything for it, when anything goes wrong, when you put petrol in it, when you wash it, when you park it, when it gets towed away and when some arsehole you've never met bumps into it.

It's got being pissed about - when you want to book it in for a service, and when you get to tax it, insure it and get the MOT for it, and again when you want to sell it. And last but not least, it's got the most essential ingredient of grumpiness. Driving is a triumph of disappointment over expectation. When we were kids we thought driving would be the ultimate freedom and all it has turned out to be is a total pain in the tushkin.

And that is not even mentioning Top sodding Gear...